Now and Then (yes, I stole this from a great little 90's movie)

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time in 2002-03, I was great. I journaled regularly, I measured religiously, I lost weight every.single.week. from my starting point in the summer until a trip to visit family in February. I lost 95 pounds. I looked and felt better than I ever have. And then I re-gained 2 pounds, which turned into 5, and then 10. But I could always lose 10 pounds again, right? I had, after all, lost nearly 100 at the time.

And that was the beginning of my unwraveling. So here I sit, 90 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight, after 10 pounds turned into 20 and so on. And I couldn't do it. It's like that switch that made my lifestyle changes work back then has been ripped out and all I'm left with is my own guilt and frustration and the thought of all that could have been different had I not allowed myself to undo all the work I'd accomplished.

I know this isn't a very healthy attitude, what's done is done and all, but it's hard to regroup. I've spent several years trying to regain that momentum. I've counted calories, carbs, fiber, I've done WW on my own, I've gone to a couple scattered meetings, I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, I've bought all the right books. And yet I can't get it together. When I decide to journal I become an obsessive freak, waking up with only the thought of, "Up -11:15am. Don't forget to write that down" and spending my days scrambling to scribble down what I've eaten, at what time, and to keep these scraps of information to record in my journal later, while also sticking empty food wrappers in my pockets and purse to gather nutritional information. It stresses me out to the point that I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. I'm 307 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I'm 21. And I'm a complete mess.