changes

I've definitely been going through a stressful time these past few weeks, and my diet has shown that. I've been eating like crap, feeling like crap, and have had an upset stomach almost constantly. I rejoined Weight Watchers for one meeting, re-quit (totally not a word...) Weight Watchers after said meeting and am back at square one.

I just don't know that Weight Watchers is it for me. I think it's a great program and it helped me immensely in the past, but I don't really feel comfortable at meetings and I hate to spend so much money on them. I don't know. I'm ready to give this another shot, to give ME a shot. I have to do this. My own way. I have to change. I'm 21, but I'm not living my life. I'm going through the motions and stagnating, watching everyone else with jealousy that I'm not the person I want to be. I have to do this to help my family, too. We're all so unhealthy, even my poor dog who's suffering with a back issue right now (if anyone reads this, please, please send some prayers/good thoughts her way), and it's a direct result of the way we live our lives. There's no discipline.

So that's my goal for this week. Get some discipline. Stick to my plans, not obsessively, but as much as possible. These are my discipline goals:

- Go to bed at 11pm.
- Get up at 9am.
- Walk one mile on the treadmill at least 3/7 days.

Another week...

Weight: 309.2

I feel like I keep waiting for that kick in the butt to start getting healthy, but then sometimes I'm not so sure it's going to come. When I first did Weight Watchers, it was very unexpected. I had stayed up all night watching Quills, which, by the way, was a pretty odd movie. I remember waking up late in the afternoon and my mom asked if I wanted to go to a WW meeting and I agreed. I've actually never asked her why/how she knew the meeting was happening, but I suppose she was looking out for my health more than I was at the time. So I went and stayed after the meeting to talk with the leader since it was my first time. I remember her being appalled that I hadn't ate all day and explaining that I'd basically woken up around 5pm, lol.

Anyway, I started today off thinking I'd be super awesome diet girl but haven't lived up to my expectations at all. I had some raunchy Captain D's fish for breakfast/lunch that literally nearly made me gag, a Krispy Kreme donut, and am seriously thinking about the brownies sitting on my kitchen counter. I know how bad all this is, but I'm just tired and stressed and I push it to the back of my mind. Where's that kick in the ass when I need it? I keep hounding my diabetic mother to take care of herself and make herself a priority, but I feel like a hypocrite because I don't take my own advice at all.

Now and Then (yes, I stole this from a great little 90's movie)

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time in 2002-03, I was great. I journaled regularly, I measured religiously, I lost weight every.single.week. from my starting point in the summer until a trip to visit family in February. I lost 95 pounds. I looked and felt better than I ever have. And then I re-gained 2 pounds, which turned into 5, and then 10. But I could always lose 10 pounds again, right? I had, after all, lost nearly 100 at the time.

And that was the beginning of my unwraveling. So here I sit, 90 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight, after 10 pounds turned into 20 and so on. And I couldn't do it. It's like that switch that made my lifestyle changes work back then has been ripped out and all I'm left with is my own guilt and frustration and the thought of all that could have been different had I not allowed myself to undo all the work I'd accomplished.

I know this isn't a very healthy attitude, what's done is done and all, but it's hard to regroup. I've spent several years trying to regain that momentum. I've counted calories, carbs, fiber, I've done WW on my own, I've gone to a couple scattered meetings, I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, I've bought all the right books. And yet I can't get it together. When I decide to journal I become an obsessive freak, waking up with only the thought of, "Up -11:15am. Don't forget to write that down" and spending my days scrambling to scribble down what I've eaten, at what time, and to keep these scraps of information to record in my journal later, while also sticking empty food wrappers in my pockets and purse to gather nutritional information. It stresses me out to the point that I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. I'm 307 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I'm 21. And I'm a complete mess.