Isn't it?

"It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" - Edward Cullen, Twilight, p. 302.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. ...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." - Edward Cullen, New Moon, p. 514.

The past week, while my personal life has gone down the drain, I've been pleasantly, gratefully, completely lost in Stephenie Meyer's. literary world. These passages in particular made me stop and mull them over. Does this kind of love, passion, and wonder truly exist in the world? Or is it confined to the pages of novels, penned by those who may or may not speak from experience of the same feelings? Love is definitely something on my mind lately, but that'll have to wait for another blog. I have to work early tomorrow, but first I have to get back to my reading.

Weight: 310.6

I'm so at the end of my rope. My life's a mess. Last night we saw Poison and Sebastian Bach in concert and I couldn't even enjoy it because I'm so self-conscious of my weight, I just hate being in public. They're coming back next summer and I really want to make these changes in my life and have that turning point, so that next year I can go and feel pretty and sexy and dance and feel alive.

Weight: 308.8

I really have to do this. I have. to. do. this. I can't live my life the way I am anymore. I'm just dying slowly.

Another week...

Weight: 309.2

I feel like I keep waiting for that kick in the butt to start getting healthy, but then sometimes I'm not so sure it's going to come. When I first did Weight Watchers, it was very unexpected. I had stayed up all night watching Quills, which, by the way, was a pretty odd movie. I remember waking up late in the afternoon and my mom asked if I wanted to go to a WW meeting and I agreed. I've actually never asked her why/how she knew the meeting was happening, but I suppose she was looking out for my health more than I was at the time. So I went and stayed after the meeting to talk with the leader since it was my first time. I remember her being appalled that I hadn't ate all day and explaining that I'd basically woken up around 5pm, lol.

Anyway, I started today off thinking I'd be super awesome diet girl but haven't lived up to my expectations at all. I had some raunchy Captain D's fish for breakfast/lunch that literally nearly made me gag, a Krispy Kreme donut, and am seriously thinking about the brownies sitting on my kitchen counter. I know how bad all this is, but I'm just tired and stressed and I push it to the back of my mind. Where's that kick in the ass when I need it? I keep hounding my diabetic mother to take care of herself and make herself a priority, but I feel like a hypocrite because I don't take my own advice at all.

sometimes I really worry about myself...

I'm so up an down emotionally...it honestly exhausts me. I feel like my anxiety and irritability have gotten worse and worse as I've gotten fatter again, yet there are times when I'm extremely happy and goofy to the point that I nearly feel bipolar (and if anyone ever happens to read this and get offended, I don't mean to belittle the bipolar condition at all, it's just the best way I can think of to describe how I feel).

Last night I was singing (okay, kind of singing/screaming) Taylor Swift, Leona Lewis, and Rhianna songs into the phone to annoy my 12 year old brother/his friend and today I'm sitting here contemplating how badly I suck at basically everything I want to accomplish. I feel so weak physically that I don't even understand where my spurts of energy come from.

Now and Then (yes, I stole this from a great little 90's movie)

When I did Weight Watchers for the first time in 2002-03, I was great. I journaled regularly, I measured religiously, I lost weight every.single.week. from my starting point in the summer until a trip to visit family in February. I lost 95 pounds. I looked and felt better than I ever have. And then I re-gained 2 pounds, which turned into 5, and then 10. But I could always lose 10 pounds again, right? I had, after all, lost nearly 100 at the time.

And that was the beginning of my unwraveling. So here I sit, 90 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight, after 10 pounds turned into 20 and so on. And I couldn't do it. It's like that switch that made my lifestyle changes work back then has been ripped out and all I'm left with is my own guilt and frustration and the thought of all that could have been different had I not allowed myself to undo all the work I'd accomplished.

I know this isn't a very healthy attitude, what's done is done and all, but it's hard to regroup. I've spent several years trying to regain that momentum. I've counted calories, carbs, fiber, I've done WW on my own, I've gone to a couple scattered meetings, I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, I've bought all the right books. And yet I can't get it together. When I decide to journal I become an obsessive freak, waking up with only the thought of, "Up -11:15am. Don't forget to write that down" and spending my days scrambling to scribble down what I've eaten, at what time, and to keep these scraps of information to record in my journal later, while also sticking empty food wrappers in my pockets and purse to gather nutritional information. It stresses me out to the point that I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. I'm 307 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I'm 21. And I'm a complete mess.

a weekend of overflowing

Oh, man. I keep starting each day thinking, "okay, today's the day!" So then I get naked, weigh myself, don't even really react to the number anymore because I'm pretty much numb to it at most times, write down my breakfast in my food journal...and then meet the world and fuck up repeatedly. I've honestly began at least half of the last 10-15 days in this manner, with today being no exception.

My period and Fourth of July festivities have thwarted my shreds of willpower today, and I don't think I can even pretend I have what it'll take to make it through tomorrow's TWO barbeque/lots of food events with any semblance of a healthy, balanced diet for the day. I feel like crap. I enjoyed the food while I ate it, but now I just feel bloated, disgusted, a little nauseous, and determined to fucking do something about my weight...I just don't think I can do it tomorrow.