Semi-smooth sailing!

I'm really proud of myself right now. I just got off the treadmill, making this four days in a row that I've exercised, despite my dad being sick and in the hospital (nothing too serious and he's home now), work, school, stress. I feel like if I can make time and find the energy to exercise amidst all THIS, then surely I can keep it up.

I say this is going semi-smooth, though, because I've not really been focusing on my eating at all. But hey, one thing at a time. I'm going to see how the scale responds this week, and then focus more on my food next week.

Finally!

I think I got this. I just walked a mile on the treadmill. It took me 30 minutes at 2.0 mph, which I KNOW is pretty slow, but you know, it's a start and I feel awesome!

Also, my last blog was a little weird, haha. I actually posted after midnight on Sunday, meaning it should have read October 13, not October 12. My calendar was just stuck on my toolbar, making me think Monday was the 12th, haha. But yesterday kind of sucked anyway, so.

Also, the Twilight audiobook is a great motivator! I'm only going to listen on the treadmill, that way I have to walk if I want to find out (again) what happens.

I need to find a solid place to track my weigh-ins. I'm not sure how the sidebar thing works...

October 12, 2008

This is it. For real!

I love being alive

I haven't lost any weight. I've exercised one day this month (the first day OF the month). I'm not making healthy food choices 80% of the time. I'm not treating my body right. I'm not treating my family right. I'm not treating my friends right. I'm not treating myself right.

I've had a couple moments in the last few days where I've just stopped, looked up at the blue sky, felt the warm fall breeze, watched the leaves swirling down from the trees and thought - I love being alive. But I don't want to live the way I do. I don't want to be bitter and fat and tired and grouchy and unmotivated and messy. I have so many goals and aspirations and people that I love - and I want to really LIVE, not just exist.

I think of Patty, my aunt who died at a very young age last December, and how she's never going to enjoy the simplicity of a sunny day again. She's never going to feel her heart swell with the happiness of just existing. And that breaks my heart, but also gives me the determination to not follow a path of self-destruction. She deserved more than what she got out of life, even though she was happy most of the time. She deserved a longer life. I deserve a long life, a healthy life, a life I can be proud of, and not one in which I'm constantly making myself mad at myself because I'm fat/lazy/grouchy/tired/etc/etc.

I owe it to myself to love myself enough to change.

changes

I've definitely been going through a stressful time these past few weeks, and my diet has shown that. I've been eating like crap, feeling like crap, and have had an upset stomach almost constantly. I rejoined Weight Watchers for one meeting, re-quit (totally not a word...) Weight Watchers after said meeting and am back at square one.

I just don't know that Weight Watchers is it for me. I think it's a great program and it helped me immensely in the past, but I don't really feel comfortable at meetings and I hate to spend so much money on them. I don't know. I'm ready to give this another shot, to give ME a shot. I have to do this. My own way. I have to change. I'm 21, but I'm not living my life. I'm going through the motions and stagnating, watching everyone else with jealousy that I'm not the person I want to be. I have to do this to help my family, too. We're all so unhealthy, even my poor dog who's suffering with a back issue right now (if anyone reads this, please, please send some prayers/good thoughts her way), and it's a direct result of the way we live our lives. There's no discipline.

So that's my goal for this week. Get some discipline. Stick to my plans, not obsessively, but as much as possible. These are my discipline goals:

- Go to bed at 11pm.
- Get up at 9am.
- Walk one mile on the treadmill at least 3/7 days.

Isn't it?

"It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" - Edward Cullen, Twilight, p. 302.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. ...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." - Edward Cullen, New Moon, p. 514.

The past week, while my personal life has gone down the drain, I've been pleasantly, gratefully, completely lost in Stephenie Meyer's. literary world. These passages in particular made me stop and mull them over. Does this kind of love, passion, and wonder truly exist in the world? Or is it confined to the pages of novels, penned by those who may or may not speak from experience of the same feelings? Love is definitely something on my mind lately, but that'll have to wait for another blog. I have to work early tomorrow, but first I have to get back to my reading.

Weight: 310.6

I'm so at the end of my rope. My life's a mess. Last night we saw Poison and Sebastian Bach in concert and I couldn't even enjoy it because I'm so self-conscious of my weight, I just hate being in public. They're coming back next summer and I really want to make these changes in my life and have that turning point, so that next year I can go and feel pretty and sexy and dance and feel alive.