I love being alive

I haven't lost any weight. I've exercised one day this month (the first day OF the month). I'm not making healthy food choices 80% of the time. I'm not treating my body right. I'm not treating my family right. I'm not treating my friends right. I'm not treating myself right.

I've had a couple moments in the last few days where I've just stopped, looked up at the blue sky, felt the warm fall breeze, watched the leaves swirling down from the trees and thought - I love being alive. But I don't want to live the way I do. I don't want to be bitter and fat and tired and grouchy and unmotivated and messy. I have so many goals and aspirations and people that I love - and I want to really LIVE, not just exist.

I think of Patty, my aunt who died at a very young age last December, and how she's never going to enjoy the simplicity of a sunny day again. She's never going to feel her heart swell with the happiness of just existing. And that breaks my heart, but also gives me the determination to not follow a path of self-destruction. She deserved more than what she got out of life, even though she was happy most of the time. She deserved a longer life. I deserve a long life, a healthy life, a life I can be proud of, and not one in which I'm constantly making myself mad at myself because I'm fat/lazy/grouchy/tired/etc/etc.

I owe it to myself to love myself enough to change.