I have sucked at keeping this updated, which I hope will change as things settle down with school soon. I've been keeping up with my treadmill routine and have walked 23.52 miles since October 13. I know it might not sound like a lot, but it's pretty awesome for me! This week I've been down with some kind of upper respiratory/sinus infection, so that's kept me off the treadmill some. I'm going to try to get to it today, though.
As far as eating goes, however, I've been a little sucky. And my weight has stayed pretty much even at 308.8.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Semi-smooth sailing!
I'm really proud of myself right now. I just got off the treadmill, making this four days in a row that I've exercised, despite my dad being sick and in the hospital (nothing too serious and he's home now), work, school, stress. I feel like if I can make time and find the energy to exercise amidst all THIS, then surely I can keep it up.
I say this is going semi-smooth, though, because I've not really been focusing on my eating at all. But hey, one thing at a time. I'm going to see how the scale responds this week, and then focus more on my food next week.
I say this is going semi-smooth, though, because I've not really been focusing on my eating at all. But hey, one thing at a time. I'm going to see how the scale responds this week, and then focus more on my food next week.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Finally!
I think I got this. I just walked a mile on the treadmill. It took me 30 minutes at 2.0 mph, which I KNOW is pretty slow, but you know, it's a start and I feel awesome!
Also, my last blog was a little weird, haha. I actually posted after midnight on Sunday, meaning it should have read October 13, not October 12. My calendar was just stuck on my toolbar, making me think Monday was the 12th, haha. But yesterday kind of sucked anyway, so.
Also, the Twilight audiobook is a great motivator! I'm only going to listen on the treadmill, that way I have to walk if I want to find out (again) what happens.
I need to find a solid place to track my weigh-ins. I'm not sure how the sidebar thing works...
Also, my last blog was a little weird, haha. I actually posted after midnight on Sunday, meaning it should have read October 13, not October 12. My calendar was just stuck on my toolbar, making me think Monday was the 12th, haha. But yesterday kind of sucked anyway, so.
Also, the Twilight audiobook is a great motivator! I'm only going to listen on the treadmill, that way I have to walk if I want to find out (again) what happens.
I need to find a solid place to track my weigh-ins. I'm not sure how the sidebar thing works...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I love being alive
I haven't lost any weight. I've exercised one day this month (the first day OF the month). I'm not making healthy food choices 80% of the time. I'm not treating my body right. I'm not treating my family right. I'm not treating my friends right. I'm not treating myself right.
I've had a couple moments in the last few days where I've just stopped, looked up at the blue sky, felt the warm fall breeze, watched the leaves swirling down from the trees and thought - I love being alive. But I don't want to live the way I do. I don't want to be bitter and fat and tired and grouchy and unmotivated and messy. I have so many goals and aspirations and people that I love - and I want to really LIVE, not just exist.
I think of Patty, my aunt who died at a very young age last December, and how she's never going to enjoy the simplicity of a sunny day again. She's never going to feel her heart swell with the happiness of just existing. And that breaks my heart, but also gives me the determination to not follow a path of self-destruction. She deserved more than what she got out of life, even though she was happy most of the time. She deserved a longer life. I deserve a long life, a healthy life, a life I can be proud of, and not one in which I'm constantly making myself mad at myself because I'm fat/lazy/grouchy/tired/etc/etc.
I owe it to myself to love myself enough to change.
I've had a couple moments in the last few days where I've just stopped, looked up at the blue sky, felt the warm fall breeze, watched the leaves swirling down from the trees and thought - I love being alive. But I don't want to live the way I do. I don't want to be bitter and fat and tired and grouchy and unmotivated and messy. I have so many goals and aspirations and people that I love - and I want to really LIVE, not just exist.
I think of Patty, my aunt who died at a very young age last December, and how she's never going to enjoy the simplicity of a sunny day again. She's never going to feel her heart swell with the happiness of just existing. And that breaks my heart, but also gives me the determination to not follow a path of self-destruction. She deserved more than what she got out of life, even though she was happy most of the time. She deserved a longer life. I deserve a long life, a healthy life, a life I can be proud of, and not one in which I'm constantly making myself mad at myself because I'm fat/lazy/grouchy/tired/etc/etc.
I owe it to myself to love myself enough to change.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
changes
I've definitely been going through a stressful time these past few weeks, and my diet has shown that. I've been eating like crap, feeling like crap, and have had an upset stomach almost constantly. I rejoined Weight Watchers for one meeting, re-quit (totally not a word...) Weight Watchers after said meeting and am back at square one.
I just don't know that Weight Watchers is it for me. I think it's a great program and it helped me immensely in the past, but I don't really feel comfortable at meetings and I hate to spend so much money on them. I don't know. I'm ready to give this another shot, to give ME a shot. I have to do this. My own way. I have to change. I'm 21, but I'm not living my life. I'm going through the motions and stagnating, watching everyone else with jealousy that I'm not the person I want to be. I have to do this to help my family, too. We're all so unhealthy, even my poor dog who's suffering with a back issue right now (if anyone reads this, please, please send some prayers/good thoughts her way), and it's a direct result of the way we live our lives. There's no discipline.
So that's my goal for this week. Get some discipline. Stick to my plans, not obsessively, but as much as possible. These are my discipline goals:
- Go to bed at 11pm.
- Get up at 9am.
- Walk one mile on the treadmill at least 3/7 days.
I just don't know that Weight Watchers is it for me. I think it's a great program and it helped me immensely in the past, but I don't really feel comfortable at meetings and I hate to spend so much money on them. I don't know. I'm ready to give this another shot, to give ME a shot. I have to do this. My own way. I have to change. I'm 21, but I'm not living my life. I'm going through the motions and stagnating, watching everyone else with jealousy that I'm not the person I want to be. I have to do this to help my family, too. We're all so unhealthy, even my poor dog who's suffering with a back issue right now (if anyone reads this, please, please send some prayers/good thoughts her way), and it's a direct result of the way we live our lives. There's no discipline.
So that's my goal for this week. Get some discipline. Stick to my plans, not obsessively, but as much as possible. These are my discipline goals:
- Go to bed at 11pm.
- Get up at 9am.
- Walk one mile on the treadmill at least 3/7 days.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Isn't it?
"It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" - Edward Cullen, Twilight, p. 302.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. ...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." - Edward Cullen, New Moon, p. 514.
The past week, while my personal life has gone down the drain, I've been pleasantly, gratefully, completely lost in Stephenie Meyer's. literary world. These passages in particular made me stop and mull them over. Does this kind of love, passion, and wonder truly exist in the world? Or is it confined to the pages of novels, penned by those who may or may not speak from experience of the same feelings? Love is definitely something on my mind lately, but that'll have to wait for another blog. I have to work early tomorrow, but first I have to get back to my reading.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Weight: 310.6
I'm so at the end of my rope. My life's a mess. Last night we saw Poison and Sebastian Bach in concert and I couldn't even enjoy it because I'm so self-conscious of my weight, I just hate being in public. They're coming back next summer and I really want to make these changes in my life and have that turning point, so that next year I can go and feel pretty and sexy and dance and feel alive.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Weight: 308.8
I really have to do this. I have. to. do. this. I can't live my life the way I am anymore. I'm just dying slowly.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Another week...
Weight: 309.2
I feel like I keep waiting for that kick in the butt to start getting healthy, but then sometimes I'm not so sure it's going to come. When I first did Weight Watchers, it was very unexpected. I had stayed up all night watching Quills, which, by the way, was a pretty odd movie. I remember waking up late in the afternoon and my mom asked if I wanted to go to a WW meeting and I agreed. I've actually never asked her why/how she knew the meeting was happening, but I suppose she was looking out for my health more than I was at the time. So I went and stayed after the meeting to talk with the leader since it was my first time. I remember her being appalled that I hadn't ate all day and explaining that I'd basically woken up around 5pm, lol.
Anyway, I started today off thinking I'd be super awesome diet girl but haven't lived up to my expectations at all. I had some raunchy Captain D's fish for breakfast/lunch that literally nearly made me gag, a Krispy Kreme donut, and am seriously thinking about the brownies sitting on my kitchen counter. I know how bad all this is, but I'm just tired and stressed and I push it to the back of my mind. Where's that kick in the ass when I need it? I keep hounding my diabetic mother to take care of herself and make herself a priority, but I feel like a hypocrite because I don't take my own advice at all.
I feel like I keep waiting for that kick in the butt to start getting healthy, but then sometimes I'm not so sure it's going to come. When I first did Weight Watchers, it was very unexpected. I had stayed up all night watching Quills, which, by the way, was a pretty odd movie. I remember waking up late in the afternoon and my mom asked if I wanted to go to a WW meeting and I agreed. I've actually never asked her why/how she knew the meeting was happening, but I suppose she was looking out for my health more than I was at the time. So I went and stayed after the meeting to talk with the leader since it was my first time. I remember her being appalled that I hadn't ate all day and explaining that I'd basically woken up around 5pm, lol.
Anyway, I started today off thinking I'd be super awesome diet girl but haven't lived up to my expectations at all. I had some raunchy Captain D's fish for breakfast/lunch that literally nearly made me gag, a Krispy Kreme donut, and am seriously thinking about the brownies sitting on my kitchen counter. I know how bad all this is, but I'm just tired and stressed and I push it to the back of my mind. Where's that kick in the ass when I need it? I keep hounding my diabetic mother to take care of herself and make herself a priority, but I feel like a hypocrite because I don't take my own advice at all.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
sometimes I really worry about myself...
I'm so up an down emotionally...it honestly exhausts me. I feel like my anxiety and irritability have gotten worse and worse as I've gotten fatter again, yet there are times when I'm extremely happy and goofy to the point that I nearly feel bipolar (and if anyone ever happens to read this and get offended, I don't mean to belittle the bipolar condition at all, it's just the best way I can think of to describe how I feel).
Last night I was singing (okay, kind of singing/screaming) Taylor Swift, Leona Lewis, and Rhianna songs into the phone to annoy my 12 year old brother/his friend and today I'm sitting here contemplating how badly I suck at basically everything I want to accomplish. I feel so weak physically that I don't even understand where my spurts of energy come from.
Last night I was singing (okay, kind of singing/screaming) Taylor Swift, Leona Lewis, and Rhianna songs into the phone to annoy my 12 year old brother/his friend and today I'm sitting here contemplating how badly I suck at basically everything I want to accomplish. I feel so weak physically that I don't even understand where my spurts of energy come from.
Now and Then (yes, I stole this from a great little 90's movie)
When I did Weight Watchers for the first time in 2002-03, I was great. I journaled regularly, I measured religiously, I lost weight every.single.week. from my starting point in the summer until a trip to visit family in February. I lost 95 pounds. I looked and felt better than I ever have. And then I re-gained 2 pounds, which turned into 5, and then 10. But I could always lose 10 pounds again, right? I had, after all, lost nearly 100 at the time.
And that was the beginning of my unwraveling. So here I sit, 90 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight, after 10 pounds turned into 20 and so on. And I couldn't do it. It's like that switch that made my lifestyle changes work back then has been ripped out and all I'm left with is my own guilt and frustration and the thought of all that could have been different had I not allowed myself to undo all the work I'd accomplished.
I know this isn't a very healthy attitude, what's done is done and all, but it's hard to regroup. I've spent several years trying to regain that momentum. I've counted calories, carbs, fiber, I've done WW on my own, I've gone to a couple scattered meetings, I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, I've bought all the right books. And yet I can't get it together. When I decide to journal I become an obsessive freak, waking up with only the thought of, "Up -11:15am. Don't forget to write that down" and spending my days scrambling to scribble down what I've eaten, at what time, and to keep these scraps of information to record in my journal later, while also sticking empty food wrappers in my pockets and purse to gather nutritional information. It stresses me out to the point that I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. I'm 307 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I'm 21. And I'm a complete mess.
And that was the beginning of my unwraveling. So here I sit, 90 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight, after 10 pounds turned into 20 and so on. And I couldn't do it. It's like that switch that made my lifestyle changes work back then has been ripped out and all I'm left with is my own guilt and frustration and the thought of all that could have been different had I not allowed myself to undo all the work I'd accomplished.
I know this isn't a very healthy attitude, what's done is done and all, but it's hard to regroup. I've spent several years trying to regain that momentum. I've counted calories, carbs, fiber, I've done WW on my own, I've gone to a couple scattered meetings, I've signed up for the Biggest Loser Club, I've bought all the right books. And yet I can't get it together. When I decide to journal I become an obsessive freak, waking up with only the thought of, "Up -11:15am. Don't forget to write that down" and spending my days scrambling to scribble down what I've eaten, at what time, and to keep these scraps of information to record in my journal later, while also sticking empty food wrappers in my pockets and purse to gather nutritional information. It stresses me out to the point that I'm just spent. I don't know where to go from here. I'm 307 pounds, give or take a few ounces. I'm 21. And I'm a complete mess.
Friday, July 4, 2008
a weekend of overflowing
Oh, man. I keep starting each day thinking, "okay, today's the day!" So then I get naked, weigh myself, don't even really react to the number anymore because I'm pretty much numb to it at most times, write down my breakfast in my food journal...and then meet the world and fuck up repeatedly. I've honestly began at least half of the last 10-15 days in this manner, with today being no exception.
My period and Fourth of July festivities have thwarted my shreds of willpower today, and I don't think I can even pretend I have what it'll take to make it through tomorrow's TWO barbeque/lots of food events with any semblance of a healthy, balanced diet for the day. I feel like crap. I enjoyed the food while I ate it, but now I just feel bloated, disgusted, a little nauseous, and determined to fucking do something about my weight...I just don't think I can do it tomorrow.
My period and Fourth of July festivities have thwarted my shreds of willpower today, and I don't think I can even pretend I have what it'll take to make it through tomorrow's TWO barbeque/lots of food events with any semblance of a healthy, balanced diet for the day. I feel like crap. I enjoyed the food while I ate it, but now I just feel bloated, disgusted, a little nauseous, and determined to fucking do something about my weight...I just don't think I can do it tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Adipex
It seems like everyone I know is taking prescription diet pills lately. Although it'd been around for years, I've definitely saw an increase in people taking Adipex in the past few months, both at my job and among my friends and family. Three of my friends are taking it that I know of, one is going in for a prescription tomorrow, [one of] her boyfriend(s) is taking it, my sister (who's about 5'7" and 145 pounds) and her friend are taking it. It's kind of overwhelming.
In most cases, these people are overweight. However, I think any doctor that gives my sister Adipex is not practicing ethically. She's a size 6 or 8-ish. She's not fat by anyone in the non-model world's standards that I know of, yet this doctor is handing out diet pills to her and further convincing her that she is in fact overweight.
And so, of course, there comes the question of why I don't jump on the pill wagon. My sister even asked if I wanted to go to her doctor yesterday, to get my own prescription. I just can't justify it for myself. Pills scare me. There's so much potential for side effects and feeling weird and I'm already a paranoid freak about my health. And I just don't see the longevity of it. When you stop taking Adipex, then what? You've not learned to eat healthy and exercise, and if you have, then you probably would have lost just as much weight without the pill in the first place.
I don't look down on anyone for the way they choose to lose weight (as long as its not unhealthy), but I just can't feel that these pills are the healthiest way of going about it. Yet here I sit at 300 pounds and counting, so I'm not sure how much more unhealthy you can get. Still, I want to know that I lost weight because of me, because of my choices - and not the choice to swallow a pill every morning.
In most cases, these people are overweight. However, I think any doctor that gives my sister Adipex is not practicing ethically. She's a size 6 or 8-ish. She's not fat by anyone in the non-model world's standards that I know of, yet this doctor is handing out diet pills to her and further convincing her that she is in fact overweight.
And so, of course, there comes the question of why I don't jump on the pill wagon. My sister even asked if I wanted to go to her doctor yesterday, to get my own prescription. I just can't justify it for myself. Pills scare me. There's so much potential for side effects and feeling weird and I'm already a paranoid freak about my health. And I just don't see the longevity of it. When you stop taking Adipex, then what? You've not learned to eat healthy and exercise, and if you have, then you probably would have lost just as much weight without the pill in the first place.
I don't look down on anyone for the way they choose to lose weight (as long as its not unhealthy), but I just can't feel that these pills are the healthiest way of going about it. Yet here I sit at 300 pounds and counting, so I'm not sure how much more unhealthy you can get. Still, I want to know that I lost weight because of me, because of my choices - and not the choice to swallow a pill every morning.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Biggest Loser casting in Louisville
The Biggest Loser had a casting call in Lousiville, KY today, which is only a few hours away from me. I only discovered this a few days ago or I would have loved to have made plans to go. I've watched every full season of the show and am addicted to past cast members' Myspaces, but I don't know what I'd do if the opportunity were actually presented for me to go on the show. Probably chicken out at the thought of the public watching my fat jiggle while I endure the torturous workouts, haha. However, instead of attending the casting, I had to work all day today. Therefore, I remain undiscovered by the reality television casting gods.
so...
I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time now, but never actually got around to doing it until today. I guess an introduction of sorts is in order, in case anyone ever actually starts reading, haha.
Who am I?
I'm not sure I want to make this un-anonymous right now, so I'll leave out my name. I'm 21 years old, work part time as a pharmacy technician, am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - as such, I just completed my 3rd year of community college without declaring a major...pretty much everything else will be revealed as I go, I suppose. Oh yeah, and I'm fat. Not just vanity pounds fat - 300 plus pounds fat. The reason this blog exists.
Why she overflows?
The name actually comes from the lyrics of The River and the Highway by country singer Pam Tillis. I used to listen to it a lot when I was a kid, but never really understood the lyrics until I re-listened to it as an "adult" (still a little difficult to consider myself an adult, haha). For some reason, this line sticks with me: And every now and then, she overflows. I definitely feel that I'm overflowing - physically, mentally, I'm kind of a pretty big mess.
Why blog?
I plan to chronicle my second weightloss journey here. Between the ages of about 15 and 20, I lost and regained 100 pounds. Yes, I regained 100 pounds. Actually, 95, but 100 is a little more striking. Either way, it sucks. I suck. I have much more to say on the topic, but that's why I decided to blog about it! Also, I plan to review diet and fitness books and products I've tried/plan to try.
Why now?
Why not? Also, I must confess...I needed an opportunity to enter a contest on the wonderfully inspiring Pasta Queen's blog, and figured, why not do both at once? So until I get some establishment here, and even afterward, why not watch her lose 100 pounds in 7 seconds?
So...
I know no one's reading now, but hopefully that changes soon! I think having this extra outlet will hopefully aid in my weightloss journey, which I plan to write more about in my next post. I also hope that I can show anyone else who's gained weight back that its not impossible to do it again (also hope to prove this to myself!).
Who am I?
I'm not sure I want to make this un-anonymous right now, so I'll leave out my name. I'm 21 years old, work part time as a pharmacy technician, am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - as such, I just completed my 3rd year of community college without declaring a major...pretty much everything else will be revealed as I go, I suppose. Oh yeah, and I'm fat. Not just vanity pounds fat - 300 plus pounds fat. The reason this blog exists.
Why she overflows?
The name actually comes from the lyrics of The River and the Highway by country singer Pam Tillis. I used to listen to it a lot when I was a kid, but never really understood the lyrics until I re-listened to it as an "adult" (still a little difficult to consider myself an adult, haha). For some reason, this line sticks with me: And every now and then, she overflows. I definitely feel that I'm overflowing - physically, mentally, I'm kind of a pretty big mess.
Why blog?
I plan to chronicle my second weightloss journey here. Between the ages of about 15 and 20, I lost and regained 100 pounds. Yes, I regained 100 pounds. Actually, 95, but 100 is a little more striking. Either way, it sucks. I suck. I have much more to say on the topic, but that's why I decided to blog about it! Also, I plan to review diet and fitness books and products I've tried/plan to try.
Why now?
Why not? Also, I must confess...I needed an opportunity to enter a contest on the wonderfully inspiring Pasta Queen's blog, and figured, why not do both at once? So until I get some establishment here, and even afterward, why not watch her lose 100 pounds in 7 seconds?
So...
I know no one's reading now, but hopefully that changes soon! I think having this extra outlet will hopefully aid in my weightloss journey, which I plan to write more about in my next post. I also hope that I can show anyone else who's gained weight back that its not impossible to do it again (also hope to prove this to myself!).
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